The Moment I knew I was Trans

July 19, 2011

ANNOUNCEMENT:  Today, folks, was my final session of therapy with Dr. Parks!  That means I’m close.  SOOOOOOO close to testosterone.  I am hoping to start definitely within the next month if not before then.  She is in the process of writing my letter, which she will email me sometime next week, and then I’m home free!  I’m going to book my endocrinologist appointment tomorrow because sometimes it is very hard to find someone in a hurry (I heard a nasty rumor that a well-known doctor in Raleigh books 4-6 months in advance, but I am SERIOUSLY not tryin’ to wait that long.  In 4-6 months I plan on already having my voice drop and accepting acne back into my life), so I’m going to check out a couple of doctors at Duke and another couple in Chapel Hill.  See who can get me in the fastest.  EXCITED ABOUT IT!…

Also-I’m realizing that I may very well be on my last period ever. FUCKING YES.

So, there actually was a single day in my life that I refer to as: The Day I knew I was Trans.  This is a very common question that I get asked, “when did you know?”, “were you always a boy?”, “did you know as a kid?”, and I should clarify now that not all transpeople have the same experiences as me.  I’m sure some people did know as kids, I’m sure some people knew their whole lives, and I’m sure some people, like me, had a wake-up-call-day.  I can only speak for myself here.  I actually have pictures from the exact day I realized I was trans, it was Erin’s 16th birthday celebration (I think sometime in May after my first year of college) and we were on a family vacation at Myrtle Beach:

This is me realizing I'm trans! Well, not actually in this moment, I think right here I was praising our server for calling me "buddy" (which is gender neutral) instead of sir or ma'am.

 My realization came about six hours earlier than this photo.  I was in the hot tub with my parents and we were all just lounging about in our bathing suits…PAUSE: I guess this is as good a time as any to discuss my bathing suit discomfort.  Its hard, y’all, its uncomfortable, its embarrassing, and its hard.  Identifying as a male and having to wear a bikini top.  You know, everyday I walk around in my binder (an undershirt specifically made to bind your boobs to your chest making it look and feel hard and flat) and it makes me feel safe, secure, and comfortable with the way I look.  But the second someone suggests swimming my whole body image changes.  All of the sudden my chest is exposed and emphasized, I can no longer use the men’s restroom (the topic of restrooms is coming up so stay tuned!), everyone now feels like they have the right to call me ma’am, girl, woman, her, she, just because they can now see that I have breasts).  It’s not easy standing in front of someone I don’t know, with a high voice, and a bikini top on, and then introducing myself as Peter.  I can see it on their faces, Peter? Is her name really Peter?, then they will ask me again, You said Peter, right?…yeah, Peter…oh, okay, just checkin’.  I can see them get flustered, looking for facial hair, looking down at my chest, looking for a package at my crotch.  It’s indescribably uncomfortable.  I DON’T LIKE VERY MUCH HATE bathing suits.  However, I refuse to let my discomfort keep me from swimming.  I do know some pre-op (pre-operation/pre-top surgery/pre-boob choppage) transmen who won’t swim at all, or if they do they will wear binders in the water, it is a serious problem for a lot of people. 

Okay, sitting in the hot tub with the family, I propped my arms up on the side of the tub in cool-guy fashion, revealing my hairy armpits to my parents for the first time.  Mom: Put your arms down!  Dad: Shes just doing it to get attention.  Me (in sarcastic rebellious tone): What? This is the way God made me!  I began to feel embarrassed and sad.  I tried to put my finger on it, why was this such a big deal to me?  I had never had a problem with my armpit hair before, I liked it, I was proud of it, and then it hit me.  I wasn’t embarrassed of my hair, I was embarrassed of my boobs.  I had no desire to shave my pits, but I had a dramatically overwhelming desire to get rid of my breasts.  That was it.  In that moment I knew that I no longer wanted to identify as a female.  I knew everything that I had been searching for in my period of not identifying: I wanted to get rid of my boobs, I wanted to change my name (I hadn’t picked one yet), I wanted to drop my voice, I wanted to be able to play in the sun topless, I wanted to be male-identified.  That was the moment I started identifying as a transman.

3 Responses to “The Moment I knew I was Trans”

  1. Shanea said

    I let Luke and Maddy in on this piece of treasure. I watched the YouTube link you posted. It was amazing. I can not wait until you are as you wish to be. This blog has made me love my friends Maddy and Luke so much more, which I didnt know was possible. It has made me closer to you. I dont completely understand what you are going through, but I was there with Luke a lot of the way. I know the frustrations he has had are very similar to yours. If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, you have my number. I cant wait to hear your voice on T. Congrats on finishing therapy!!

  2. Dylan said

    swimsuits, dude. swimsuits.

    and i really like swimming, too. not a lot of middle ground. *sigh*

  3. samsowards said

    I am so glad I found this. Thanks for sharing. [:

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