The Last of My History

August 10, 2011

This is kind of a backtrack to the second semester of my second year in college, I couldn’t fit it all into the last post.  SO, I changed my name, got a binder, and then what?  My girlfriend of two years cheated on me with a male-bodied person which threw me into a very deep and dark depression for a very long time.  I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, I wouldn’t eat, I would just sleep and cry all day and hope that somebody would put food in front of my face.  I found out during Fall exam week and completely lost control of myself. I was so beside myself that I honestly can’t remember a lot of my days when I was in that state of mind.  I used drugs, I had a lot of meaningless sex, I hung on to her for every second she’d let me…she was my first love and I was completely and unhealthily obsessed with her.  I had no idea what to do, so I withdrew from the next semester (Spring 2010) at school and tried to find something to occupy my time.  I threw myself into therapy, for the first time, trying to get a prescription for testosterone.  The result: my therapist came to the conclusion that I was overcompensating for the fact that my girlfriend had cheated on me with a male-bodied person and therefore I was of unstable mind to progress towards hormone treatment.  It was devastating, I couldn’t catch a break if it was thrown straight at me.  I lost my love, I wasn’t able to medically transition, I withdrew from school…I was sick with feeling like a failure.

Then summer came around (this is the summer that I previously talked about in Asheville) and everything started looking up.  It went something like this:

I lucked into a free place to stay in Asheville because my ex-girlfriend was doing an internship there and I had helped her out of some legal trouble so she let me crash at her apartment all summer for free (this was probably not a smart move, in all actuality I probably should have been taking some major space from her, but it turned out fine, it was actually a really good time) and I met the most awesome people!  It was all smiles everyday, naked swimming, PBR, making lifelong friends, finding soulmates, and I couldn’t imagine a more fun summer! 

Then summer ended.  I came back to school and tried to start over.  I wanted to jump back into therapy to try again, but I didn’t have the money for it, so I just worked on the little changes:  I changed my name on Facebook to Peter, I bought a packer and made it into an STP (a packer is a fake, soft penis, so not a dildo, just something you can put in your pants to make your appearance look more masculine, and STP stands for stand-to-pee which is a device that allows female-bodied people to use urinals.  I rarely use either of these things because I don’t feel like having a dick in my pants makes me more of a man, because I would rather use a stall than a urinal (it is hard to STP without peeing all over yourself, at least I have a hard time with it), and because I don’t really have the right underwear to support something just chilling out in my pants all day), I started correcting people when they would call me by my birth name or feminine pronouns, I started dating as a transman (and I’ve had a variety of experiences, I’ll make a post about dating as trans), I found a wonderful lady who totally supports everything that I’m doing, and I began to reach out to the trans/queer community around me.  I basically spent like a year just meeting new people and building a foundation of support so that when I was able to start testosterone I would have family and friends around who support me to make the transition easier and less stressful.

Then I began therapy again this summer, it went well, I’ve got my letter, I’ve got my Carolina Endocrine appointment, and I am ready to start my transition!  And that’s it folks, you are now caught up on my life.  Of course I left out a lot, that was a very brief description, but as issues arise I will draw on personal experiences and stories, so you’ll be sure to hear the rest of what got left out!

One Response to “The Last of My History”

  1. Dylan said

    Hey! You should tots make that post about dating; my dating life has definitely gotten more interesting on that front and would love to know your thoughts/experiences.


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