One Month on Testosterone!

September 29, 2011

HOORAY TODAY IS THE DAY! MY ONE MONTH ON T!  Here’s a quick video update about the changes and stuff.

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Passing Tips!

September 28, 2011

Hey y’all!  I made a quick video about passing because I’ve been getting A LOT of questions about how to appear more masculine.  I covered the big stuff, but if you have specific questions then please don’t hesitate to message/email me.  I always love feedback too, if there is something you don’t quite understand, or something you wish I would talk more about.  I’m doing this to educate others, so let me know what you want to learn!

HEY!  Did my second shot yesterday and I feel great!  Here’s a little video update about the changes and everything:

ALSO- I’ve just created a new page at the top of my blog called, Like My Blog? This is a donation station if you are feeling kind enough to help me fund my surgery coming up in the Spring.  At least check it out and see what I have to say.  Anything helps!

Twice in the past week I’ve been at work and people have asked about me.  Strangers have asked about me.  The first time a guy just walked up to me, looked at my blank name tag, and asked: is your name Peter? Yes, I’m Peter. Then he just said, cool, and walked out of the store. WEIRD. A couple of days later a lady came through the line returning a dress, but I was occupied so she went to the register beside me.  After she left my co-worker turned to me and asked: did you know that lady that I was just ringing up?  Cause she seemed to know you.  It was weird, because just in the middle of the transaction she stopped, looked over at you, and asked me if your name was Peter.  I told her yeah, because I thought y’all knew each other. I shook my head, I’ve never seen her in my life, I said. WEIRD, TWICE. Scares me a bit.

I don’t want to assume bad things, I would much rather think that I have admirers of my blog, but I can’t help but feel weird about the fact that neither of them introduced themselves to me in return.  I mean, if I was meeting someone who I admired I would definitely introduce myself.  This makes me think that maybe they’re haters instead (and you know what, if you are one of those two people and you are reading this and you aren’t a hater then please don’t take any offense, you must understand why I’m cautious).  I’m the kind of guy that scares the shit out of myself driving alone at night thinking about someone in my backseat…paranoid is the word, I think, so naturally I was watching my back all the way home, making sure cars weren’t following me and everything.  I guess I didn’t realize I was that easy to find, ill have to reread my posts and change some stuff.

In other news I got followed around by high school lesbians at a different mall yesterday.  I remember feeling like that, seeing an older lesbian and just wanting to watch them for advice.  The girls yesterday even bought a soda from the fast food place I was cruising in order to justify standing so close to me and staring at me for so long. 

In other news still, I’m about to start bartending school!  I’m gonna get a license and then head straight for the gay bars, y’all know that’s where I’m gonna make all my money!

Some FAQ’s about me and T

September 9, 2011

I’ve gotten A BUNCH of specific questions about testosterone treatment, so I’m just gonna answer a few of the repeats:

1) Does T make you taller?- For me?  No.  Since my growth plates have fully matured and stopped growing then there is no way to reignite them to start again.  However, if you start testosterone before or at the very early stages of puberty when your growth plates are still developing, then yes, testosterone will affect your height (generally making you taller, but this isn’t the case for all people, some people are just made to be short).

2) How long does it take for the changes to occur?- Overall, it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to complete all of the changes and the timeline is different for every specific change. I can give you a general guideline for a few major ones that my endocrinologist gave me (this is on average when most people first begin noticing these changes):
-Voice deeping- 3 to 6 months is when the voice will begin to deepen noticeably, but it will continue to get lower for the 12 to 18 months of testosterone.
-Facial hair- 1 to 2 years is how long it will take to grow consistent facial hair, before that it will be patchy and scraggly and not something that I personally want on my face.
-Muscle development- 6 months to 1 year, this depends on how much you work out, though.
-Ending your period- 3 to 6 months, I wish this would happen faster…
-Growth of the clit- 1 to 3 months, this is one of the first and fastest changes to occur.
-Heightened libido- 1 to 3 months, this coincides with the larger clit.
-Hairier body (stomach, chest, back, legs, armpits…etc)- 6 months to 1 year.

3) So, do you, like, perform in those drag show things?- Let’s get something straight: being transgender is not the same thing as being a drag queen/king.  Granted, there are transgendered people who do perform (more power to them, drag shows are fun!) but not every trans person, not even MOST trans people perform in drag shows (and, in my experience, most drag performers aren’t trans at all, most of the performers I know are gay or straight.  That’s right, I said it, I know a lot of STRAIGHT drag performers).  No, I have never performed in a drag show, but its on my to-do list because it seems like a lot of fun NOT because I’m transgendered.

4) Once you transition will you be a straight boy?- Nope, I will be a queer transman.  Just like right now.  My hormone treatment doesn’t change who I’m attracted to and how I identify, it’s merely making some physical changes to help my outer appearance match my inner one.

5) Do you have to stay on testosterone for your whole life?- No, I don’t HAVE to…but I most likely will.  If I stop taking testosterone before my ovaries are removed then my period will come back and my feminine body characteristics (the fatty parts on female bodies, like the stomach pouch, butt, boobs (if pre-surgery), and hips) will come back.  Once my ovaries are removed my body will not be able to produce a “normal” amount of estrogen or testosterone without the shots which could propel me into a never-ending and relentless state of menopause (no thank you).

6) Are you ever going to actually do that video on binding that you keep talking about?- Yes, as soon as I get internet at my house (which will hopefully be within the next week)!  I want to be able to show you my binder but I feel like I shouldn’t be taking my shirt off for YouTube in the middle of this coffee shop…

7) How did you tell your parents?- Ah, good question, here’s my honest answer (and this isn’t word for word, I actually don’t remember my exact words, but I remember the feeling):  I was too scared to tell them both at the same time so I waited really late at night after my dad went to bed and then tried to open a conversation with my mom.  I said, mom, I’ve got something to tell you but its a little scary for me.  I’ve been researching taking some hormones to appear more like a guy.  She pondered it for a second.  We had a very brief discussion about the side effects, whether or not insurance covers it, when I was planning on doing it, if it was permanent, if I was sure this was the right decision for me.  She said, I’ll love you no matter what, but I don’t in any way agree with what you are doing.  Be choosy about when you tell your dad, because most likely that will be the last time you are ever allowed in the house.  And that was how the first convo ended, I didn’t get kicked out, I didn’t get yelled at, it actually went WAY better than I was expecting. What my mom said about my dad, though, that scared the shit out of me, so I didn’t talk to my dad about it for a while.  I’m not sure if we have ever had a discussion about it face-to-face, but I know he reads my blog, I know he knows whats going on by the way he acts when I visit home.  He’s not a talker (and when it comes to him, neither am I). The conversations between that one and the most recent one usually start out good and end bad.  It’s a struggle for my parents and I knew it would be so it wasn’t easy telling them.  I never had the chance to tell them I was a lesbian in high school, so this was really my first coming out to my parents.

8) What were you like as a kid? umm…

What were YOU like as a kid?

9) Can I use your blog as a reference?  Can I share this with my friends?  Will you come speak to so-so group of people about specific transgender issues?  Will you come talk to my students about trans bullying and equality?  Will you speak on a panel for medical students about your experiences?  Wanna get coffee?- YES YES YES.  I am doing this to educate others about my experience as a transperson and I am always willing to help out in any way that I can.  Please feel free to contact me if you’d like me to come speak/give a lecture/have story time/coffee.

Dating Trans

September 5, 2011

I’ve been an actively dating transman for a couple of years now and I’ve definitely had a rather large range of experiences.  But here’s the first thing you need to understand: being transgender has nothing to do with the people who I date.  Trans is a gender identity (meaning my personal perception of myself, I view myself as a transgendered man) NOT a sexual orientation (a phrase describing what kind of people you date).  Everybody has a gender identity and a sexual orientation and these are always separate from each other.  So, in addition to being transgender (which is my gender identity) I am also queer (which I consider my sexual orientation, although queer is a very broad word and can mean more than just that, it’s a whole lifestyle, its a political practice, it can also be used as a gender identity which I know can be confusing).

I am a queer transman. Elaboration: I am a transgendered man and I am open to attraction between all body types.  I usually am more attracted to hyper-feminine women, but I have also hooked up with butches (masculine women), straight men, andros (short for androgynous persons which means they are somewhere between masculine and feminine and are usually pretty gender neutral in their outward appearance), gay men, and straight women. I don’t have reservations about body types and I am open to all encounters without judgement. Queer transman.  I hope I explained that alright…let me know if it still doesn’t make sense.  Okay, let me just summarize some of my personal experiences (these are in no way intended to speak for the larger transman community):

1) Once upon a time a dated a feminine lesbian who broke up with me because I’m trans and she was unsure that she could date someone who identified as male.  She thought she might not be attracted to me if I started transitioning.  That sucked.  I felt pressure to not transition, I felt discriminated against because of my gender identity, I felt mostly sad that I could even have a fair chance.  It is never fun to be rejected and its especially not fun to be rejected because of something that you were born with. (For the record, this particular person is an all around great person and after she realized that what she was doing was not cool she gave me a chance and we dated for a while.)

2) Once upon a time I went to a party with the same feminine lesbian and she began talking to a very butch lesbian.  They were obviously flirting (but, whatever, I’m cool with that) and then the butch woman leans over and says: You are too cute to being dating a trans. What does that even mean?  How can someone say that you are too cute to be dating ANYONE? Just because you are trying to hit on the girl I came with doesn’t mean you have to use my gender identity as an insult.  Ignorance, folks.  I think I’m pretty cute, too….sheesh.

3) Once upon a time I dated a straight femme who cheated on me with a male-bodied dude.  She said she need a “real” man with a “real” dick. OUCH.  I’m not sure if she actually meant them or if she just said those things to break me down (we were fighting up a storm), but either way, those words did sting.

4) Once upon a time I met someone who tried to date me because they have a trans fetish.  I support fetishes.  I know that some people think that fetishizing certain types of bodies or body parts or people is not okay, but the way I see it EVERYBODY is fetishized in some way.  People have race fetishes, feet fetishes, weight fetishes, I mean there is probably a fetish for every single person out there, so I don’t think a trans fetish is any different. FETISH, I wanted to say it again. Weird word, really.

5) Once upon a time I had a gay guy tell me: if you were a dude I would be so into you! Okay, I understand that was meant as a compliment, what he really meant was: I think you are totally hot, but vaginas scare me. At the time I was both flattered and upset, I mean, thank you for saying I’m hot, but you can’t you see that I AM a dude? C’mon, I tried really hard to pick clothing that would allow me to pass that night, but after that I felt like everybody could see that I was female-bodied and it made me uncomfortable.

6) I’m currently dating a power femme and she supports me to the fullest.  My transgender identity has never been a problem for her and my body isn’t a problem for her. The only thing that she really has a problem with (and I’m struggling with this too) is being seen by society as a straight couple.  We are both very queer and want to remain a part of a queer community, but the queers around here (and I hope I don’t upset anyone by saying this, but its the truth) are a bit hypocritically exclusive. If we walk up to a queer function and she looks like a power femme and I look like a man it will be hard to get people to talk to us, it’s almost like we have to convince them that we are queer.  I fear this problem will only get worse as I begin looking more masculine…but I’ll continue looking for a solution.

When I am looking for potential people to date, I have no reservations, I have never not approached someone because I thought they looked “too straight” or like they wouldn’t be interested in someone like me.  I just assume that everybody is open to dating me.  When I do start dating someone I make sure they know from the get-go that I am transgender.  Not all transguys do this, some prefer to not talk about it because it is so personal and maybe not something that you would want to share on the first date, but I’m the opposite. I prefer to tell everyone ASAP so they know exactly how I identify and know what body parts to expect (you know, if we get that far).  It doesn’t always work out, sometimes it scares people away (some people are just not willing to give trans a chance), sometimes it works out with people you wouldn’t expect, either way it’s all about confidence.  Confidence is attractive.  Do whatever you do with confidence and most of the time you will get the results you deserve.

What’s it like?

September 3, 2011

It’s the end of day four. How does it feel?  Do you feel different?  Your voice sounds lower!  Does it hurt? Are you happy? Sad? Do you feel more aggressive?  Your voice is DEFINITELY lower! Gosh, I am so happy for all of the support AND all of the questions.  It reinforces my reasons for writing this blog.  So, want some answers?  Here’s what I know:

How does it feel?-I can’t feel a thing. I cannot feel the testosterone running through my body and I can’t feel changes happening.

Do YOU feel different?-physically, I feel no different from before my shot (except my leg was really sore for the first couple of days after the shot).  Mentally, I feel like this:

I desperately want to believe that my shot made me stronger and hairier overnight, but it’s just not true. I’ve started doing P90X to aid in my muscle development (#kickingmyass), but other than being really sore and shaky nothing is noticeably different.

Your voice sounds lower!-I know!  That’s exciting isn’t it!  I’m recovering from a head cold…wah.

Does it hurt?-P90X hurts, testosterone does not.  I feel like people think that when I take the injection my veins start popping out of my body and I start shaking and I yell out in pain and I have to be strapped down like Frankenstein in Van Helsing and then I instantly turn into this more masculine person. In reality, I get the shot and then limp around for two days bitching about how sore my leg is.

Are you happy? Sad?-I am fucking thrilled!  I know that soon things will start changing and I know that soon I will be able to pass more easily and I know that soon my body will finally reflect my mental self image and gender identity and sometimes I literally get so excited that I can’t sleep!  I am also very sad.  I didn’t think I would ever be sad about this, but in a way I’m losing part of my identity that I’ve had for over 21 years.  My mom says she’s “mourning the death of her daughter”, my girlfriend says she’s “mourning my body”, and as bad as both of those sound initially I can certainly relate and it makes sense and I think I’m mourning too.  I’m making major changes to a body that I fought and struggled and went through hell to get comfortable inside and now I feel like I’m starting from day one. A new body, new struggles, new fights, new everything.  Yes, I am sad.  I’m saying goodbye to a part of me that I put a lot of effort into, that’s always been here, that I grew to like.  I cried about it a couple nights ago, but I wanted some time to process before I wrote about it here.  It’s scary.  I don’t know what I’m going to look like in 6 months, will I smell different?  Will different people be attracted to me because I smell different?  Will I be attracted to different people?  Will I be viewed as a straight man? Do I even want to be viewed as a straight man? Will I be accepted into queer communities?  Will me and whoever I’m dating be viewed as a straight couple? Will I be able to sing with my new voice?  I have questions too that I don’t think anybody will be able to answer and that scares me. Despite my surprising sadness and fear I am in no way regretting my decision or thinking about stopping T.  This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and that will always cancel out the temporary mourning period.

Do you feel more aggressive?-No I don’t.  And aggression is really only a side effect of testosterone if you are taking more than the normal healthy amount.  When people start pumping steroids and taking way too much T is when they get aggressive.  Transguys RARELY feel this side effect.

In short, I am a bit sad but also VERY VERY VERY EXCITED to be on testosterone finally!  My voice is lower, but sadly only because I’m sick, I don’t feel any different at all, and P90X is kicking my ass.  Thanks for reading! Tomorrow’s topic: dating trans.

Today is my Second Birthday!

September 1, 2011

I got it, y’all!  Testosterone is INSIDE OF ME!!

 

 

Holy shit, I can’t believe this day has finally come.  After all the waiting and all of the fantasizing, the idea of get testosterone injections was starting to seem unrealistic, but today I proved that wrong.  Today marks the start of my physical transition, today marks my second birthday, today marks the beginning of a new life for me.  I am so excited to be sharing this will all of you.

Much love for all of the support!