What’s it like?

September 3, 2011

It’s the end of day four. How does it feel?  Do you feel different?  Your voice sounds lower!  Does it hurt? Are you happy? Sad? Do you feel more aggressive?  Your voice is DEFINITELY lower! Gosh, I am so happy for all of the support AND all of the questions.  It reinforces my reasons for writing this blog.  So, want some answers?  Here’s what I know:

How does it feel?-I can’t feel a thing. I cannot feel the testosterone running through my body and I can’t feel changes happening.

Do YOU feel different?-physically, I feel no different from before my shot (except my leg was really sore for the first couple of days after the shot).  Mentally, I feel like this:

I desperately want to believe that my shot made me stronger and hairier overnight, but it’s just not true. I’ve started doing P90X to aid in my muscle development (#kickingmyass), but other than being really sore and shaky nothing is noticeably different.

Your voice sounds lower!-I know!  That’s exciting isn’t it!  I’m recovering from a head cold…wah.

Does it hurt?-P90X hurts, testosterone does not.  I feel like people think that when I take the injection my veins start popping out of my body and I start shaking and I yell out in pain and I have to be strapped down like Frankenstein in Van Helsing and then I instantly turn into this more masculine person. In reality, I get the shot and then limp around for two days bitching about how sore my leg is.

Are you happy? Sad?-I am fucking thrilled!  I know that soon things will start changing and I know that soon I will be able to pass more easily and I know that soon my body will finally reflect my mental self image and gender identity and sometimes I literally get so excited that I can’t sleep!  I am also very sad.  I didn’t think I would ever be sad about this, but in a way I’m losing part of my identity that I’ve had for over 21 years.  My mom says she’s “mourning the death of her daughter”, my girlfriend says she’s “mourning my body”, and as bad as both of those sound initially I can certainly relate and it makes sense and I think I’m mourning too.  I’m making major changes to a body that I fought and struggled and went through hell to get comfortable inside and now I feel like I’m starting from day one. A new body, new struggles, new fights, new everything.  Yes, I am sad.  I’m saying goodbye to a part of me that I put a lot of effort into, that’s always been here, that I grew to like.  I cried about it a couple nights ago, but I wanted some time to process before I wrote about it here.  It’s scary.  I don’t know what I’m going to look like in 6 months, will I smell different?  Will different people be attracted to me because I smell different?  Will I be attracted to different people?  Will I be viewed as a straight man? Do I even want to be viewed as a straight man? Will I be accepted into queer communities?  Will me and whoever I’m dating be viewed as a straight couple? Will I be able to sing with my new voice?  I have questions too that I don’t think anybody will be able to answer and that scares me. Despite my surprising sadness and fear I am in no way regretting my decision or thinking about stopping T.  This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and that will always cancel out the temporary mourning period.

Do you feel more aggressive?-No I don’t.  And aggression is really only a side effect of testosterone if you are taking more than the normal healthy amount.  When people start pumping steroids and taking way too much T is when they get aggressive.  Transguys RARELY feel this side effect.

In short, I am a bit sad but also VERY VERY VERY EXCITED to be on testosterone finally!  My voice is lower, but sadly only because I’m sick, I don’t feel any different at all, and P90X is kicking my ass.  Thanks for reading! Tomorrow’s topic: dating trans.

2 Responses to “What’s it like?”

  1. samsowards said

    I’m excited for you. I can’t wait for the next video.

  2. Roy said

    Great post. For what it’s worth, I think it’s wonderful that you’re able to mourn the loss while celebrating the gain. IMO, what you’re going through, in a sense, is what we all go through, but at an incredibly accelerated pace. I don’t look like I did 20 years ago, I don’t think of myself the same, and my place in the world is very different, and in 20 years I won’t be the same either (whether I’m above ground or below). Every day we mourn and celebrate a small amount. We all go through changes in our bodies, in our identities, and how we see ourselves. You, however, have the strength to actively choose those changes–Bravo!

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