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So, its been a while since I’ve done any kind of update…the problem is, I don’t have internet at my house and I work 40+ hours a week, so I’m always too tired to go find/steal internet from somewhere else.¬† The only time I get internet is at my bartending job on Wednesday nights (where I am right now), but I only have time to get on if it’s not too busy.¬† I plan on moving to a new house in February, so internet will no longer be an issue.¬† I promise there is a video coming soon!¬† Sorry, about the inconsistency.

So, last night my sweetheart and I decided to check out the famed Country Night at East End in Chapel Hill.¬† I was expecting…Country Night: a chance for college greeks¬†to shed their layers of khakis and polos¬†to LARP (live-action-role-play) in¬†plaid and boots.¬†¬†BUT here’s a curve ball for ya, I think there were more european gay men at country night than there were actual countrypeople.¬† I think “Country Night” must be a well-known, city-wide pseudonym for: Skinny Jeans-Cute Curly Mofro¬†(just another word for frohawk) Haircuts-Aldo¬†Boots-and Sexy Gay Germans in Muscle Shirts-Night.¬† I didn’t hear a single country song all night, but the DJ was actually pretty sick.¬† OVERALL, the music was good, the crowd was fun (with the usual creepy-old-man, and way-too-drunk-fratboy exceptions), the beer was cheap, and I’ll definitely be attending “Country Night” again.

I bring up country night, because last night made me realize that society has a new opinion of me.¬† No longer am I seen as a woman, I’m not viewed as a lesbian, I’m not viewed as pre-pubescent boy…I am now assumed a GAY MAN.¬† I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.¬†

I am an effeminate man.¬† Not gay, but very effeminate and its no surprise to me that I get hit on by more gay men than any other identity.¬† I’m okay with it, I’m very awkward about it, but I’m alright with it.

While walking to country night, Hannah and I passed through a circle of drunk guys.¬† Real manly-mans¬†(1. Gross¬† 2.¬† what is a manly-man anyways?).¬† Hilarious to them, one of them yelled out “HEY LADIES” as we walked by…my thought progression:

EEEEEWWWWWW
Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that!
Wait, did he just call me a lady?
I haven’t been mistaken for a girl in almost a month and a half…
*SAD*
Wait, there’s NO WAY he thinks I’m a girl.¬† Cause I’m not.
*ANGRY*
OOOOHHHH, he thinks I’m a gay boy!!!
*HAPPY*
Wait, even though he recognized me as a boy, he was still trying to make fun of me.
Damn it.

So, I am very happy to be seen as a man (even a gay one!), but I’m also beginning to understand a whole new set of struggles.¬† I always thought that most discrimination¬†I will experience¬†will be due to my transgenderism, but now discrimination against gay men is becoming more relevant to me.¬† Interesting.

So maybe I got too heated…

November 14, 2011

It is my understanding that not everyone can see my last post?¬† Bummer, I’m tryna work it out…

Today I¬† screamed in the middle of my bank.¬† Perhaps a bit much, I’m sure I disrupted conversations, I’m also sure I am now the topic of a lot of conversations, none-the-less I made quite the scene at a¬†local SECU.¬† I was there to cash a check from one of my employers (one whom I haven’t yet had a conversation about my transgenderism¬†because it seems irrelevant to the work that I’m doing) and was refused because the check was written to Peter and not my birth name.¬† Naturally, I threw a fit because there is nothing more upsetting than being told that I can’t have access to the money that I earned because I haven’t told my boss that I have a vagina instead of a penis.¬† Literally, the ONLY PERSON currently in my life that doesn’t know that I’m transgendered is my boss. It’s like life saying: Uh-oh, you missed a spot.¬† We’re gonna put you on hold until you make sure everybody knows that you are trans. Why would you ever think you could get away with that?¬†

As if that weren’t enough, I got the nastiest, snottiest look from the manager that I screamed at as he told me: Listen, this isn’t our problem, ma’am.¬† It’s yours and until you do something about it, we won’t be able to help you. I called his boss and then his boss’ boss. I got my check cashed, told the manager that I had a dick big enough to fill his mouth if he ever wanted a cock to suck on, and flipped him off as I left.

I guess this is another one of those examples of everyday things that should be easy, but can be quite difficult.¬† One of those things that you don’t think of as being a struggle until someone brings it to your attention.¬† It’s a shame that it has to be that way, but I guess when I cool off and take a look at it then I understand why it is difficult for a bank to accept something like that.¬† I mean, if that were acceptable then people could just cash all kinds of checks written to other names.¬† I just wish that maybe they could put it somewhere in my file that I also go by Peter (I would be happy to provide evidence of that if needed).

Moral of this story:¬† I don’t take no shit from nobody. (Cool Runnings, anyone?)

Other Moral:  Gotta get my name changed ASAP.

In other news, I am speaking on campus tomorrow about being transgender outside of the gender binary.¬† If you’d like more information then feel free to email me or message me about it, but for the safety of myself and the other panelists I’m not gonna post the details here.¬† It’s gonna be a good talk!

Family Update

October 31, 2011

2 Months on Testosterone!

October 28, 2011

HIP HIP HOORAY!!

One Month on Testosterone!

September 29, 2011

HOORAY TODAY IS THE DAY! MY ONE MONTH ON T!¬† Here’s a quick video update about the changes and stuff.

Passing Tips!

September 28, 2011

Hey y’all!¬† I made a quick video about passing because I’ve been getting A LOT of questions about how to appear more masculine.¬† I covered the big stuff, but if you have specific questions then please don’t hesitate to message/email me.¬† I always love feedback too, if there is something you don’t quite understand, or something you wish I would talk more about.¬† I’m doing this to educate others, so let me know what you want to learn!

HEY!¬† Did my second shot yesterday and I feel great!¬† Here’s a little video update about the changes and everything:

ALSO- I’ve just created a new page at the top of my blog called, Like My Blog? This is a donation station if you are feeling kind enough to help me fund my surgery coming up in the Spring.¬† At least check it out and see what I have to say.¬† Anything helps!

Twice in the past week I’ve been at work and people have asked about me.  Strangers have asked about me.  The first time a guy just walked up to me, looked at my blank name tag, and asked: is your name Peter? Yes, I’m Peter. Then he just said, cool, and walked out of the store. WEIRD. A couple of days later a lady came through the line returning a dress, but I was occupied so she went to the register beside me.  After she left my co-worker turned to me and asked: did you know that lady that I was just ringing up?  Cause she seemed to know you.  It was weird, because just in the middle of the transaction she stopped, looked over at you, and asked me if your name was Peter.  I told her yeah, because I thought y’all knew each other. I shook my head, I’ve never seen her in my life, I said. WEIRD, TWICE. Scares me a bit.

I don’t want to assume bad things, I would much rather think that I have admirers of my blog, but I can’t help but feel weird about the fact that neither of them introduced themselves to me in return.  I mean, if I was meeting someone who I admired I would definitely introduce myself.  This makes me think that maybe they’re haters instead (and you know what, if you are one of those two people and you are reading this and you aren’t a hater then please don’t take any offense, you must understand why I’m cautious).  I’m the kind of guy that scares the shit out of myself driving alone at night thinking about someone in my backseat…paranoid is the word, I think, so naturally I was watching my back all the way home, making sure cars weren’t following me and everything.  I guess I didn’t realize I was that easy to find, ill have to reread my posts and change some stuff.

In other news I got followed around by high school lesbians at a different mall yesterday.  I remember feeling like that, seeing an older lesbian and just wanting to watch them for advice.  The girls yesterday even bought a soda from the fast food place I was cruising in order to justify standing so close to me and staring at me for so long. 

In other news still, I’m about to start bartending school!  I’m gonna get a license and then head straight for the gay bars, y’all know that’s where I’m gonna make all my money!

Some FAQ’s about me and T

September 9, 2011

I’ve gotten A BUNCH of specific questions about testosterone treatment, so I’m just gonna answer a few of the repeats:

1) Does T make you taller?-¬†For me?¬† No.¬† Since my growth plates have¬†fully matured and stopped growing then there is no way to reignite them to start again.¬† However, if you start testosterone before or at the very early stages of puberty when your growth plates are still developing, then yes, testosterone will affect your height (generally making you taller, but this isn’t the case for all people, some people are just made to be short).

2) How long does it take for the changes to occur?- Overall, it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to complete all of the changes and the timeline is different for every specific change. I can give you a general guideline for a few major ones that my endocrinologist gave me (this is on average when most people first begin noticing these changes):
-Voice deeping- 3 to 6 months is when the voice will begin to deepen noticeably, but it will continue to get lower for the 12 to 18 months of testosterone.
-Facial hair- 1 to 2 years is how long it will take to grow consistent facial hair, before that it will be patchy and scraggly and not something that I personally want on my face.
-Muscle development- 6 months to 1 year, this depends on how much you work out, though.
-Ending¬†your period- 3 to 6 months, I wish this would happen faster…
-Growth of the clit- 1 to 3 months, this is one of the first and fastest changes to occur.
-Heightened libido- 1 to 3 months, this coincides with the larger clit.
-Hairier body (stomach, chest, back, legs, armpits…etc)- 6 months to 1 year.

3) So, do you, like, perform in those drag show things?- Let’s get something straight: being transgender is not the same thing as¬†being¬†a drag queen/king.¬† Granted, there are transgendered people who do perform (more power to them, drag shows are fun!) but not every trans person, not even MOST trans people perform in drag shows (and, in my experience, most drag performers aren’t trans at all, most of the performers I know are gay or straight.¬† That’s right, I said it, I know a lot of STRAIGHT drag performers).¬† No, I have never performed in a drag show, but its on my to-do list because it seems like a lot of fun NOT because I’m transgendered.

4) Once you transition will you be a straight boy?-¬†Nope, I will be a queer transman.¬† Just like right now.¬† My hormone treatment doesn’t change who I’m attracted to and how I identify, it’s merely¬†making some physical changes to help my outer appearance match my inner one.

5) Do you have to stay on testosterone for your whole life?-¬†No, I don’t HAVE to…but I most likely will.¬† If I stop taking testosterone before my ovaries are removed then my period will come back and my feminine body characteristics (the fatty parts on female bodies, like the stomach pouch, butt, boobs (if pre-surgery), and hips) will come back.¬† Once my ovaries are removed my body will not be able to produce a “normal” amount of estrogen or testosterone without the shots which could propel me into a never-ending and relentless state of menopause (no thank you).

6) Are you ever going to actually do that video on binding that you keep talking about?- Yes, as soon as I get internet at my house (which will hopefully be within the next week)!¬† I want to be able to show you my binder but I feel like I shouldn’t be taking my shirt off for YouTube in the middle of this coffee shop…

7) How did you tell your parents?- Ah, good question, here’s my honest answer (and this isn’t word for word, I actually don’t remember my exact words, but I remember the feeling):¬† I was too scared to tell them both at the same time so I waited really late at night after my dad went to bed and then tried to open a conversation with my mom.¬† I said, mom, I’ve got something to tell you but its a little scary for me.¬† I’ve been researching taking some hormones to appear more like a guy.¬† She pondered it for a second.¬† We had a very brief discussion about the side effects, whether or not insurance covers it, when I was planning on doing it, if it was permanent, if I was sure this was the right decision for me.¬† She said, I’ll love you no matter what, but I don’t in any way agree with what you are doing.¬† Be choosy about when you tell your dad, because most likely that will be the last time you are ever allowed in the house.¬† And that was how the first convo ended, I didn’t get¬†kicked out, I didn’t get yelled¬†at, it actually went WAY better than I was expecting.¬†What my mom said about my dad, though, that scared the shit out of me, so I didn’t talk to my dad about it for a while.¬† I’m not sure if we have ever had a¬†discussion about it face-to-face, but I know he reads my blog, I know he knows whats going on by the way he acts when I visit home.¬† He’s not a talker (and when it comes to him, neither am I). The conversations between that one and the most recent one usually start out good and end bad.¬† It’s a struggle for my parents and I knew it would be so it wasn’t easy telling them.¬† I never had the chance to tell them I was a lesbian in high school, so this was really my first coming out to my parents.

8) What were you like as a kid? umm…

What were YOU like as a kid?

9) Can I use your blog as a reference?¬† Can I share this with my friends?¬† Will you come speak to so-so group of people about specific transgender issues?¬† Will you come talk to my students about trans bullying and equality?¬† Will you speak on a panel for medical students about your experiences?¬† Wanna get coffee?-¬†YES YES¬†YES.¬† I am doing this to educate others about my experience as a transperson and I am always willing to help out in any way that I can.¬† Please feel free to contact me if you’d like me to come speak/give a lecture/have story time/coffee.