The Last of My History

August 10, 2011

This is kind of a backtrack to the second semester of my second year in college, I couldn’t fit it all into the last post.  SO, I changed my name, got a binder, and then what?  My girlfriend of two years cheated on me with a male-bodied person which threw me into a very deep and dark depression for a very long time.  I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, I wouldn’t eat, I would just sleep and cry all day and hope that somebody would put food in front of my face.  I found out during Fall exam week and completely lost control of myself. I was so beside myself that I honestly can’t remember a lot of my days when I was in that state of mind.  I used drugs, I had a lot of meaningless sex, I hung on to her for every second she’d let me…she was my first love and I was completely and unhealthily obsessed with her.  I had no idea what to do, so I withdrew from the next semester (Spring 2010) at school and tried to find something to occupy my time.  I threw myself into therapy, for the first time, trying to get a prescription for testosterone.  The result: my therapist came to the conclusion that I was overcompensating for the fact that my girlfriend had cheated on me with a male-bodied person and therefore I was of unstable mind to progress towards hormone treatment.  It was devastating, I couldn’t catch a break if it was thrown straight at me.  I lost my love, I wasn’t able to medically transition, I withdrew from school…I was sick with feeling like a failure.

Then summer came around (this is the summer that I previously talked about in Asheville) and everything started looking up.  It went something like this:

I lucked into a free place to stay in Asheville because my ex-girlfriend was doing an internship there and I had helped her out of some legal trouble so she let me crash at her apartment all summer for free (this was probably not a smart move, in all actuality I probably should have been taking some major space from her, but it turned out fine, it was actually a really good time) and I met the most awesome people!  It was all smiles everyday, naked swimming, PBR, making lifelong friends, finding soulmates, and I couldn’t imagine a more fun summer! 

Then summer ended.  I came back to school and tried to start over.  I wanted to jump back into therapy to try again, but I didn’t have the money for it, so I just worked on the little changes:  I changed my name on Facebook to Peter, I bought a packer and made it into an STP (a packer is a fake, soft penis, so not a dildo, just something you can put in your pants to make your appearance look more masculine, and STP stands for stand-to-pee which is a device that allows female-bodied people to use urinals.  I rarely use either of these things because I don’t feel like having a dick in my pants makes me more of a man, because I would rather use a stall than a urinal (it is hard to STP without peeing all over yourself, at least I have a hard time with it), and because I don’t really have the right underwear to support something just chilling out in my pants all day), I started correcting people when they would call me by my birth name or feminine pronouns, I started dating as a transman (and I’ve had a variety of experiences, I’ll make a post about dating as trans), I found a wonderful lady who totally supports everything that I’m doing, and I began to reach out to the trans/queer community around me.  I basically spent like a year just meeting new people and building a foundation of support so that when I was able to start testosterone I would have family and friends around who support me to make the transition easier and less stressful.

Then I began therapy again this summer, it went well, I’ve got my letter, I’ve got my Carolina Endocrine appointment, and I am ready to start my transition!  And that’s it folks, you are now caught up on my life.  Of course I left out a lot, that was a very brief description, but as issues arise I will draw on personal experiences and stories, so you’ll be sure to hear the rest of what got left out!